Visualising What I Want

I want to finish the novel I started. I have the first draft of 43,000 words, give or take a few. The first draft does not a novel make. There is a lot of work ahead. I want to gain the momentum to finish it, edit it, and publish it soon.

I also want to have a home in Hawaii, that would be lovely.

I want to meet someone who would make me want to stay with him forever and ever. Maybe someone of Latin or mixed origins. Someone who values feelings, passion, creativity, commitment, sensitivity, tact, quirkiness, linguistic agility, refinement without arrogance or pretense, simple human warmth... Someone who can give and receive love without reservations... Someone who can grow and change with me, and be independent, and know how to be in charge, and wanting to spoil me... Someone who knows exactly what I need and want, and who also knows that I will give him so much...because it can't be otherwise, and I am worth it... every minute of being spoiled... whatever that means....total acceptance and admiration, and inspiration that goes both ways....I even imagine it all happening... or, some of that (added upon Eve's wise suggestion).

Links to Favorite Blogs

http://mymothersemails2.blogspot.com/
http://ebbsnflows.blogspot.com/
http://loose-associations.blogspot.com/
http://mamasonga.blogspot.com/
http://five-percent.blogspot.com/
http://formerfc.blogspot.com/

The Eye

I went to my eye doctor today. The image you see on the left is the image he had shown me to explain one of the issues I've had recently. He is definitely the best eye doctor I've ever met. I am so happy to have found him so soon after my move. He is quite an eccentric, and his staff pretends that they "tolerate" his shenanigans, but I think that they have more fun than they are willing to admit. We talked about Russia, poetry, Siberia, travel, governments, survival, art, books, children, and anything else you can imagine. In the meantime, five patients have been waiting patiently (where do you think the word "patient" comes from?) in his waiting-room. I felt a little uncomfortable for a little bit, knowing that I might have been a part of the cause for their waiting (the major cause was he, of course) - however, I knew that that's the way he ran his life, and he wouldn't have had it any other way.

Did I mention that he can diagnose a problem without using fancy tools or tests?

Don't you admire people who have things on their own terms in life and inspire others to have it the same way?

Revelations, Epiphanies

Today my friend asked me if I wanted to get some new clothes. Chico's , she said, was having a sale, fifty per cent off everything. I looked at her, and suddenly uttered the words that I have let out of the cage finally (as I, too, had noticed that Chico's store had some clothes I might have wanted to try on some day, although, somehow, I knew they won't be quite right for me anyway)... I said to her, in spite of my own expectations: "I will never buy a single item at Chico's." She looked at me in mild bewilderment. I continued: "You see, the woman with whom my ex- betrayed me worked at Chico's, or so he said." My well-meaning friend looked at me even more intently and urged, "This sort of association with pain is not healthy, whoa, you need to let it go ..." "Whoa" is right, " I thought to myself, tears streaming uncontrollably down my cheeks. I haven't cried that hard in all these months since I've moved to California. I've been feeling so happy here - I had no reason to cry.

Maybe I needed to cry, in order to give myself permission to shop at Chico's. Maybe I will some day. Tonight I discovered a tiny corner within where a piece of past pain was stuffed, and it had found me, after two-and-a-half years of solitude and forgiveness, and, what they call "friendship with the ex" - the notion I have always questioned. One can forgive, but forgetting is not necessary. I have forgiven him the moment he regretted the betrayal. He did it because subconsciously he knew it was a matter of time before we would no longer be together. Yet, I trusted him like no other... It's time to let go. Tonight's tears were what some call an emotional clearing. I am glad that Chico's is having a sale.

P.S. Earlier in the day, I have met someone whose name was Epiphanio. There must be some strange stellar influences right now...:)

Latin Lover

I have an obsession with everything Latin nowadays, but I especially love Latin music and Spanish language. I have been learning it, ever so slowly and... yes, lazily, lackadaisically... I listen to Latin stations on my XM-Radio, and songs prompt me how the language works. I even had a Latin lover for a while, soon after having moved to California. It was not meant to last, but it gave me a glimpse into one man's psyche ...

Even if people don't fully belong to one another, they can still give and receive love. Love is never wasted, it is never without a meaning.

I want to speak Spanish fluently some day. I think that the only way one really learns the language is by spending some time in the country where it is spoken... Or, from Latin lover:)...

Conversations in a Coffee Shop

He walks into the coffee shop and heads straight to my table.

- Hi, My name is J. What's yours? Would you like to play chess?
- OK, let’s play. I haven’t played in a while. My name is R. Where is your accent from?
- From being uneducated. I forgot how to spell, and, as a result, I don't know how to pronounce things properly... Would you like to have dinner with me?
- Let's finish this chess game first.

He is very charming and intense, in a non-aggressive kind of way.

-I am half-Native American and half-Hispanic. What about your accent?

He tells me that he had served in Vietnam when very young, and that he attends the nearby AA meetings...

We talk, the conversation flows, there is an uncanny rapport attained immediately. He is quite psychic, and he plays the guitar and harmonica. He picks up the guitar and starts playing and singing. Then he departs. In a half-an-hour he returns.

- Would you have dinner with me now? We are a perfect match!
- Oh yes, we are. Can I write about you in my blog?

- Write about me? Of course! My mother would love to see you. Can you write about me so that my mother would read it and understand, at last, who I really am? I wonder who would cry first.

Oh, here he is again, a man who yearns for his mother's love. I feel what he needs, but I can't give it to him. I want to love a peer, and I want to be loved by someone for who I am, and not to be assigned any roles. I am not rescuing anyone any longer, and I've already raised my own children.

His words pierce my heart. I am in love with him already. I will not fall in love deeply with him, ever. I just love him, period... At this moment, I do. I know only too well what it's like to live with someone who's an alcoholic. I couldn't stand it even for one day. Of course, everyone deserves love, and he has mine. He is so lovable, it is painful for me to be writing this post. I just don't want to spend my life with him...

Oh, and I am sure he thinks that I take things way too seriously:) ....

What's in a Name

Boredom and Despondence of Dating Sites

They say that dating takes a lot of patience and perseverance. I read it somewhere a long time ago. About a year-and-a-half ago, a while after one of my best relationships collapsed, I have joined a rather interesting dating site, and, instead of dating, I started blogging there. I got hooked on the interactive nature of that site, the occasional stimulation of thought combined with various mirrors that others on the site provided to one another (and to me, too)... And then it had suddenly gotten old... So, when boredom sets in, one sets out to move on, and here I am... While there is no conversation taking place here yet, I hope not to bore myself too much:) and, if I do, I'll only have myself to blame.

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The rainbow in this picture is from the Equator, in the Pacific.

(c) IM